Wednesday, April 15, 2009

San Dimas High School Football Rules

Games 1-8: Yankees

Orioles 10, Yankees 5
Orioles 7, Yankees 5
Yankees 11, Orioles 2
Yankees 4, Royals 1
Yankees 6, Royals 1
Royals 6, Yankees 4
Devil Rays 15, Yankees 5
Yankees 7, Devil Rays 2

Record: 4-4

"Everything is different, but the same...things are more moderner than before...bigger, and yet's computers..."

Thank you Ox for that stirring history report. Moving on, it's taken me quite awhile to ease into the 2009 New York Yankees season. But, after you suffer through my rambling prose (all 690 words of it) you might wish I had stayed away for good...

2009 Mancrush: This is easy. It's Nick "The BSD" Swisher. Not only has the guy been a force at the plate and a welcome addition to a locker room full of Stiffy Stiffersons (I'm looking at you George Posada), but did you see him pitch an inning of scoreless relief the other night? Gabe Kapler struck out for god's sake. Phil Eight Ball could take some lessons from Swish. I luv me some Nick Swisher more than I luv me some filet of fish. Which reminds me...

Give me back that filet of fish, give me that fish...

Rob, Josh Beckett is a little punk and you know it. I don't want to hear any noise from you about that pitch being a mistake or accidental. You're freaking kidding yourself if you don't think that was intentional. Now, that being said, I too would like to Sid Finch a fastball at Abreu's chin.

A.J. Burnett does not receive mancrush status from me, yet, (listen, I'm a married man, I'm not homosexual, but I am willing to learn) but if he keeps saving the rotation like he has during these first two starts I might have to stop hating him so much. I said might.

Speaking of the rotation, it sure would be nice if the Chairman could get a grip and stop giving up 7 runs in less than 2 innings. Creaky ole Pettitte and untested Joba (though he had a good start ruined by Joe Truth) already scare me enough in the 4 and 5 slots. I don't need C.M. Wang pulling a Left Eye on the rest of the starting staff.

Nick, wanted to send my condolences on the loss of Harry Kalas. Sure, the people of Philadelphia are slack jawed troglodytes, but I always enjoyed Kalas' work.

Whit, I cannot believe you have not brought up Jeremy Reed's hometown yet. Can you imagine Reed, Tatis and Rufus cramming into a phone booth to find Mrs. of Arc?

Give me back that filet of fish, give me that fish...

Cody Ransom, you are not the answer. God lord man, get a grip. You make Anderson Hernandez look like a gold glover out there.

Honestly, I should really hate this commercial. But I just can't. For some reason it makes me laugh every time. "Double Pits to Chesty!!!" Now, on the other hand, don't get me started on the goofy "money I could be saving with Geico" does a stack of bills with googly eyes get such a prime table at that fancy restaurant? That doesn't make sense at all. Only way that commercial could be saved is if the stack of bills asked "how much for the little girl and/or how much for the women?"

Let me help all our readers out today. If you are at Blockbuster, or updating your queue on Netflix, DO NOT under any circumstances rent "7 Pounds" with Will Smith. Unless of course you are a huge fan of 2 hour long, sappy, melodramatic organ donor snoozefests.

Once Brett Gardner gets a little more experience on the basepaths, watch out. That little bugger is faster than Speedy Gonzalez after three Sparks (yeah, they're banned here in the states, but I bet Speedy has a black market Sparks guy).

Hey, did you guys hear our President got a new dog? OMG THAT IS SO COOL. And important too, obviously, or why else would the Washington Post slap a huge dog pic on their front page.

Hideki Matsui appears to be aging faster than Donovan after he drank from the wrong cup.


rob said...

"You're freaking kidding yourself if you don't think that was intentional."

if i don't think what was intentional? that he intentionally missed a guy? better that than if he'd intentionally drilled him in the ear, right? that pitch was never going to hit abreu, the entire angels bench overreacted, and mlb wildly overreacted by suspending beckett.

TJ said...

"That pitch" wouldve most certainly hit Abreu if he wanted. So I give him credit there (tho as noted I wouldve been fine with him beaning Bob. That youtube video wouldve been played more times than Dramatic Squirrel).

And of course their bench exploded that way that day.

As to MLB, I can never defend Bud and the boys on the board, so I agree (especially since the umps did nothing at the time).

Whitney said...

Of course Beckett meant only to buzz him, but to say he was never going to hit him... well, 1 out of every 20 of those hits a guy in the face and Tony C's his career. And you protect against that. Fortunately, most guys won't throw 20 of those in their lifetimes, but with Beckett, you never know.

The thing is, why did he do it? Because he was pissed Abreu called time at the last second? Baseball Tonight clocked the Frozen Statue on the Mall Miming that Beckett was performing. It was like sixteen seconds or something. If you're going to stall out there to keep the hitter off balance, you've got to expect a lot of guys to call time. If you have a relatively quick delivery, you can get pissed if guys try to throw you off by calling time late. Not the case here. Abreu did nothing to warrant the ball over the head.

Of course, like TJ said, Abreu's nobody's pal, either. I'd just as soon take two abrasive cocks like Beckett and Abreu, lock them naked in a sauna with a rabid raccoon for 2 hours, and see who comes out standing.

rob said...

all we need is nick's take on the beckett situation and the first episode of around the horn: mlc will be complete.

rob said...

the red sox offense...not seeing it.

TJ said...

I seriously need to teach a "How to Board a Plane" class. Morons.

rob said...

so, the red sox top 3...just batting in the dark, frank viola style. guh.

Whitney said...

Rob. Seriously. Shut up about the offense, lest you draw a comment here about some other aspect of this game.

Whitney said...

Never mind. This sad, woeful Sox offense just put up six more runs, securing the win and in all likelihood ruining the momentum for a certain unnamed feat.

TJ said...

I seriously need to teach a "How to Exit a Plane" class. Assholes.

rob said...

jesus, whitney, couldn't you see what i was doing there?