Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Where the Wild Things Are

Game 34 – Red Sox

Red Sox 6, Tigers 3
Record: 21-13

Things I Do When I Feel An Abiding Need to Be Annoyed:

1. Read the collected works of Ann Coulter
2. Squeeze lemon juice into small cuts in my cuticles
3. Listen to Michael Kay on any topic
4. Watch Daisuke Matsuzaka pitch

I call to your attention last night’s objet d’argh from the newly coined Nippon Nibbler (royalty payment to my colleague on the pinstriped side of the aisle for that): 5 IP, 1H, 1R, 8BB, 1K, 110 pitches, 1100 calories of nervous energy expended by me via uncontrollable leg bounce, spasmodic fingernail drumming, and ceaseless pacing.

On the plus side, Mike Lowell hit his first homer and drove in his first runs of the year, and the Sox did, in fact, win a game they probably should have lost. Craig Hansen pitched a lights out inning of relief (on the minus side, he was asked to pitch 2, but we’ll take small victories when it comes to the middle of the Sox’ bullpen). Papi continues to work his way back to normal, hitting the ball hard several times, with a 9th inning homer and a rocket single against a lefty to show for it – the big fella’s now hit safely in 15 of 18 games to raise his average to .225.

But Matsuzaka. Dear Lord of all that’s straight and controlled. The quality of his stuff is undeniable – witness his .158 opponent’s batting average and the fact that the Tigers put 10 runners on against him in 5 innings with only a single scratch – it’s his ability to consistently hit his spots that’s exasperating everyone from Terry Francona to my 87 year-old grandmother. He’s allowed more walks than hits, 27 to 22, over 40+ innings. It got so bad last night that Matsuzaka’s wildness frustrated Steve Phillips into saying something cogent, insightful, and relevant. It took Orel Hershiser 2 ½ innings to recover enough from the shock to be able to speak again.

Speaking of the pinstripes (as I was way above), can we just agree that this Red Sox/Yankees bullshit has gone too far. Witness:

NASHUA, N.H. (AP) -- A woman accused of running down a man in her car after a Red Sox-Yankees argument in a bar never hit her brakes as she accelerated toward the small group he was in, a prosecutor said Monday.

"She never braked, and she accelerated at a high speed for about 200 feet. She went directly at this group of people," prosecutor Susan Morrell said of Ivonne Hernandez, who is charged with reckless second-degree murder in the death early Friday of Matthew Beaudoin, 29.

It’s a game, people. While I quite understand that Yankee fans are mouthbreathing degenerates (my blog colleague, brother-in-law, and nephew notwithstanding), they are objects of pity, not mortal blood enemies. We kid, we kid. Lighten up, folks. And you guys with the 4 letters, how ‘bout we ratchet back the apocalyptic rhetoric, mmmkay? The relative merits of 2 professional sports teams aren’t worth dying for. Only oil and executive hubris meet that test.


TJ said...

I have to say, I am quite pleased with myself for that nickname.

Whitney said...

How about Michael Kay reading the collected works of Ann Coulter while squeezing lemon juice into your cuticles?

Has Daisuke superseded the angst of watching Timmy Wake throw?

rob said...

i was just thinking about that, and the answer is yes, because daisuke theoretically has some control over where the ball goes and has crazy good stuff. wake's subject to the vagaries of the knuckler, merely a vessel for the whimsy of his muse.