Phils 12, los Nacionales 2
Phils 7, Spaz-stros 5
Record: 27 wins, 22 losses
Dude, where you been? Holy sh!t, we were wonderin' what happened to you! Back in February we all flew down to Clearwater. Everyday, we got up, stretched, played about 4 innings and then showered and hit the links by 1:00. Chase always ran home to mama after the 18th hole but Pat and Shane always stuck around the clubhouse to have a beer or six.
Hell, even Uncle Cholly joined us occasionally and would make us tell stories about Larry. He really loved the one about when Larry threw his pitching wedge into the drink after he lost 4 balls on the 13th hole, the one with the dog leg left. Cholly never throws his clubs. He just sips his Beam after ever double bogey and farts for good measure. It usually works. We tell him that if he'd drop about 40 pounds his swing would be sweet but Cholly says beef and gravy was good enough for Pappy and he lived 'til he was 94 on nothin' but filterless Pall Malls, Pabst and beef and gravy.
Anyway, playing golf everyday for 30 days got boring but by then, we were packed and ready to return to Philly. When we got here, Pat and Chase went on a tear until they realized you were missing. Brett's not talking to anyone because he forgot how to breathe through his eyelids and Cole is too busy looking up Pokemon cheat codes in between starts to spend any time with us.
I'll tell ya, when Cole starts, he's been pretty wicked. JC got us all saying that. He pronounces it kinda funny like "wick-it" and it usually precedes adjectives like funny or awesome. He said it's a habit he picked up hanging around those rich kids up in Boston. We told him f**k Boston! Don't bring that Beantown sh*t down here but he said maybe if we act like them, we'll win like them so we figured we'd give it a try. Cholly agreed but said he personally would refrain because it might get back to his pastor back in Byooona Vista and he might think it was devil worship.
Not much else going on around here. Occasionally Jimmie will swap Jamie's cleats with Flash's just for fun. You ought to see those old bastards trying to figure out what's wrong. They slip them on and wiggle their feet and do one of those Python silly walks to see if they can get comfortable before they remember that they wear Nike, not Addidas or vice-versa. When Jimmie's really feeling ornery, he'll replace Jamie's Walkman with his I-Pod just to watch Jamie try to figure it out. Eventually Flash will wonder over with his grandaddy glasses on the tip of his nose to see what the fuss is about. None of us dare messes with their Cialis though. We all agree that Priopism is not funny.
Other than that, the fans have been great. They ask about you all the time but we just tell them your finding your groove somewhere. Someone said you were in Nepal smoking hash with Ricky Williams but we know you're afraid of heights. Glad your back now though because pitchers have figured out that Pat will swing like a Dominican regardless of pitch location and that there really is no reason to pitch to Chase when then next batter in the lineup is an automatic out. I'm not exaggeratin'! The dude batting in your slot all season long struck out 69 times in 45 games! PECO Energy has him doing advertisements on the SEPTA buses and trains.
Well, I think we're gonna start puttin' up a bunch of crooked numbers now that old RyHo is back! Sure missed you buddy.