Thursday, May 22, 2008

I'm not dead.

Games 35-46: Yankees

Indians 3, Yankees 0
Yankees 6, Indians 3
Tigers 6, Yankees 5
Yankees 5, Tigers 2
Rays 7, Yankees 1
Rays 2, Yankees 1 (11)
Yankees 2, Rays 1
Rays 5, Yankees 2
Mets 7, Yankees 4
Mets 11, Yankees 2
Orioles 12, Yankees 2
Yankees 8, Orioles 0

Record: 21-25

Man has this post been a long time coming. Whitney even beat me back to this space, which I thought darn near impossible. I gave you the scores and overall record above, so that means I'm all caught up, right? Well, not so fast, I might have a few things to say (sound of people quickly clicking away)...

This post covers 12 games. The Yankees record in those 12 games: 4-8. My BAC during a work conference last week was higher than the team batting average during that same span (they lost to Kenny Rogers and his 6.66 ERA god damn it). The Yanks currently sit dead last in the A.L. East; at 21-25 they are already 7.5 games back of the Red Sox (f u rob). The Red Sox even got a win from Buffet Colon yesterday...unreal. And a no hitter from Jon Lester on Monday. Even that homophobe Julian Tavarez realized what a good thing he has in Boston and accepted an assignment to Triple A Pawtucket. Oh I'm sorry, got off track there, I was led to believe this was a Red Sox blog...

C.M. Wang was undefeated last time I posted - now he's coming off a shellacking from the equally underachieving NY Metropolitans. Billy Wagner calls his Mets teammates out, they have closed door meeting, they beat Yank's skulls in. Willie Randolph plays Race card, then wisely plays Reverse, Skip, and Draw Four Wild cards, and all is well. Except he didn't say Uno. Sorry Willie, the Wilpons need to see you upstairs, stat. And bring your Mad Libs. Oh yeah, did I mention Wang hurt his calf last time out too? Sweet.

Hey, I hear Jason Giambi wears a jungle-themed thong when he's in a slump. Super...thanks for the insight. So what the hell was Jayson Werth wearing the other night when he did his best Hard Hittin' Mark Whiten impersonation? I must say, as a Brett Myers owner in my NL-only league, I am proud to announce weekly that my wife-beater leads the league in home runs allowed (we also have wife beaters Jorge Cantu and Elijah Dukes on our's like a Law and Order: SVU episode). Keep up the good work Brett, and let's hope that stress ball is helping on the home front.

Am I rambling? So what, I haven't been here in awhile. Just be lucky you didn't get stuck with my Steven Wright or Dennis Miller-themed posts...that would have been excruciating for you (for all 30 seconds you scanned it). The Yankees have been outscored by 20 runs on the year. They are a meek 10-12 at home, an equally mediocre 11-13 on the road. They seem beyond lethargic and disinterested during games. The only juice comes in the 8th and 9th innings with Joba and Mo, and what's that, yep, Hank is going to get his way so now Joba will be in the rotation soon. Speaking of that rotation...
  • Kei Igawa, please go cash your absurd paycheck and never be seen again (and take off those fucking sunglasses you stupid asshole). If and when Brian Cashman gets canned, this has to go down as his worst signing ever (yes, even worse than Carla Pavano).
  • Mike Mussina, I will give him credit, things were actually going quite well for him (he had won five games in a row)...until that first inning (er, first two outs) last night. And honestly, if someone would make a fucking play in the field that inning never happens. But, those be the breaks, and that is the Moose I feared we would see all year - he tees 'em up, and the opposition peppers the field with his 87 mph "fastball". Let's hope he can at least rebound to "average starter" next time out.
  • Andy Pettitte, buddy, pal, we need you to snap out of it, unless of course you are truly d-u-n, in which case I know a certain former teammate who would like to take you out back and put you out of your misery.
  • Darrell Rasner is the second-coming...of what I do not know. Aaron Small maybe? Fine by me, someone needs to stay on that mound for 6 innings each night, and he seems capable (so far).
  • It sure would be nice if Ian Kennedy would take his head out of his ass and contribute something...just look at Darrell, Ian. You see Darrell out there? You see how he has mediocre shit but manages to stay in the game past the third. Good, good...why don't you give that a shot next time out.
Where was I? Nowhere...and boring you fast. If it sounds like I'm just bitching and moaning, well, I sort of am...but this is where the venting is supposed to occur right? (and more frequently than once a week I gather based on rob's hate emails to me) But don't confuse my usual surliness for lack of faith in my ballclub. They've only played 46 (shitty) games so far in our diminutive colleague has often said, "lotta ball left". Do they look dead in the water right now? Yep, they sure do. But the first glimpse of hope? I overheard Steve Phillips saying they were done. So we definitely know they are getting back into the race, because what have we all learned about Steve Phillips? (Whit more than most) That he is a steaming pile of excrement with silver hair and a tie. And he is dumb.

And he likes to harass women in the workplace. Drive safe everyone...and see you in July.

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