A vacation from my problems! You bet I will!

Games 11-22 - Yankees

Yankees 4, Red Sox 1
Red Sox 4, Yankees 3
Red Sox 8, Yankees 5
Yankees 8, Devil Rays 7
Yankees 5, Devil Rays 3
Yankees 15, Red Sox 9
Red Sox 7, Yankees 5
Orioles 8, Yankees 2
Orioles 6, Yankees 0
Yankees 7, Orioles 1
Yankees 9, White Sox 5
Yankees 6, White Sox 4

Record: 12-10

"Hi. I'm Bob. Would you knock me out, please? Just hit me in the face."

Who missed me? My guess is absolutely no one. You've seen mea culpas and excuses from Whit and Nick in the last few days...I have none of those. I've been hanging with world leaders, vacationing on the Gulf-side of America's Wang and generally ignoring this site like it has herpes simplex 10. My Yankees have played 12 games since last you saw me, and guess what, the consistently inconsistent play continues (they're 6-6 since last I logged into Mediocrity Loves Company). 12-10, eh boys? Nice work. You're costing me tons of beer losing to our Lilliputian Red Sox fan, and you're getting worked over by the Orioles? Simply atrocious.

But hey, at least there will be no tooth decay in the locker room. Coach Joe, I'm thinking treating a veteran group like kindergartners ain't the best move, but what do I know?

"Baby step to four o'clock. Baby step to four o'clock."

The Chairman and Captain HGH are 7-1 I believe...the rest of the rotation, 2-8. The kids (Kennedy and Hughes) have ZERO wins. Hank Steinbrenner (seriously, I have neither the time nor the energy to address Hank today) thinks Mike Mussina should try to emulate Lazarus Moyer, which, surprisingly, actually did occur last night vs. the White Sox. LaTroy Hawkins is LaAwful. Kyle Farnsworth gives me the hives. Thank god for the vaudeville team of Joba and Mo. And Brian Bruney hasn't made me want to kill any puppies...yet.

[Random aside - today is apparently "Bring Your Kids to Work Day". I guess that means the Jack In The Box in Elkhart, IN currently employing Shawn Kemp has 7 extra fry cooks today.]

"...baby steps get on the elevator... baby steps get on the elevator... Ah, I'm on the elevator."

Harro? Hideki Matsui has a fantastic .429 OBP. Alex Rodriguez is who we thought he was...it is April after all folks. Derek Jeter has started slowly, but still pulls more ass than a toilet seat, but not necessarily more than Nate Dogg (anyone sick of my shameless self-linking yet? Admit it Nick, you're sad you don't have some other goofy blog to link to). Bobby Abreu doesn't have to worry about any girlfriends banging dudes on reality shows these days, so he seems to be in a comfort zone. HOWEVAH, Jason Giambi, can I talk to you for a second? Jason, do you realize you're hitting .135 on the year? No, well, pay closer attention, because that is the worst average of any guy qualifying in the American League. You suck balls pal.

Rack me, I'm out.
Wait, I hate that fucker Jim Rome, I can't end like that.

Seacrest Out.
Wait, I hate that pillow biter Ryan Seacrest, I can't end like that.

C U Next Tuesday? Yep, that works for me.