The Guess Who

Game 58 - Mets

Phillies 6, Mets 3
Record: 35-23

Remember that bully who used to pants you every 6th period, then apply melvins, swirlies, noogies, and every other term in the ruffian vernacular? Remember how you heard he was serving time now, or maybe was actually dead? Well, at about 9:30 or 10:00 tonight, he showed up at your door and enacted a space wedgie of the worst kind. Deep in your darkened subconscious, you knew he wasn't done with you yet.

Pat the Bat. Fucking Pat the Motherfucking Bat.

Pat Burrell drilled his 37th career home run against Mets pitching to lead off the ninth inning and tie the game tonight. The fact that he hit it came off Billy Wagner had to make it even sweeter for Burrell; that fact also meant that the corrosion of the Metropolitans' bullpen was utterly complete. Scott "The Door Shall Be" Schoeneweis and Joe "Dear God! This Isn't a Hose, It's a Gas Pump!" Smith showed Wagner how to really leave your mark in a loss. Thanks, boys.

The "relief" surrendered 10 earned runs in 10 innings of work in this three-game sweep to the instantly energized Phils. That's just atrocious. At some point you can stop tipping your cap to Chase Utley as just being a great hitter and consider retiring him in the late innings. Schoeneweis was crushed by the Shea wrathful upon his exit, and make no mistake: a 7.17 ERA in early June gets you at least a shower of boos, perhaps some paperwork.

And don't let the offense off the hook simply because they executed back-to-back-to-back ding-dongs in the 6th. Indeed, it was thrilling to see them storm back from two down with two down and grab the lead. If only the other three hours and ten minutes weren't rife with more of the same angst-inducing lack of productivity. Nine more men left on, ducks stranded on the pond, bats just getting colder.

Here's a thought: If your offense is averaging between two and three runs a game while your bullpen gives up one run every single inning it throws, you may not win. Ever.

Okay, one positive: finally a guy exited the DL instead of landing on it. (Of course, Endy Chavez quickly replaced him.) Jose Valentin was back in the lineup and looking good -- but different. Something . . . what is it? . . . is it . . . holy crap! Stache shaved his moustache! A hearty welcome back to the steady veteran -- if only so we don't have to deplete the Brooklyn Cyclones to replace the hobbled Metmen.

Off to Detroit, who's about to win its fourth in five. Sheffield is just killing the ball. Comerica won't solve the hitters' woes. The Tiger offense won't cure the pen's. Hmmm. This means only one thing.

Bad news for the Tigers. (Hey, it worked for Buttermaker.)