Thursday, August 14, 2008

Loony Toons

Games 112 through 120 - Phillies

Marlins 8, Phils 2
Phils 5, Marlins 0
Marlins 3, Phils 0
Buccos 2, Phils 0
Phils 4, Buccos 2
Phils 6, Buccos 3
Dodgers 8, Phils 6
Dodgers 4, Phils 3
Dodgers 7, Phils 6

Record: 64 wins, 56 losses, tied with the Mess for first place 1.5 games ahead of FLA

I'm gettin' real tired of this crap.

I never liked the Coyote/Roadrunner shows. Though a dimwitted child I was, I was insulted by the repetitive plot. I was bored stiff watching the coyote repeatedly squander his war chest for the deceptively promising yet ultimately flawed engineering of the Acme Corporation. I could never understand why the f-cker survived falling anvils, broken cliffs, dynamite detonations, rocket misfires, runaway locomotives and impenetrable mountain sides. It drove me insane that the Roadrunner regarded the rules of physics the way activist courts regard the constitution. It was loony alright. I have never been much for loony when it comes to the way things should be.

The Phillies are Wyle E. Coyote.

It's that simple.

Every time they get that giddy feeling as if they are about to spring a trap so deliciously potent, so wonderfully lethal, they end up with gunpowder in their face. Myers starts to pitch well so the bullpen starts to fart. One day the lineup is the '27 Yanks, the next day they resemble the 1961 Mets. It is folly to hope. Maddeningly, like my canine counterpart, I always do. I chart these losers' season game by game on they white board in my office (that's why they gave me an office.) After game 120, here are the results in 10 game increments:

4-6 (Damn bird just blew my doors off!)
6-4 (I am giving chase.)
7-3 (Gaining some ground, feeling good.)
5-5 (Slow down there, cowboy!)
5-5 (Biding time, hatching a plan?)
8-2 (Take that!)
6-4 (The perfect plan!)
2-8 (Tried to jackhammer the cliff, but the mountain on which I stood inexplicably fell.)
5-5 (Dusting myself off.)
6-4 (Looking in the catelogue for a heinous contraption)
6- 4 (I think I found it.)
4-6 (Foiled again!)

My only consolation is that I told you this club was built for maybe, just maybe 88 wins. We are right on schedule.

Pay attention. After the series finale against Manny's new pals in Chavez Ravine, the Phils play the next two series against baseball's two worst teams -San Diego and DC. We probably pick up 5 of 6 and start to feel good just in time for the 10 game stretch against the Dodgers, Mets and Cubs. I feel like I'm waiting for the Acme delivery truck.


rob said...

bravo, sir.

rob said...

you say 'activist judge', i say 'jusrist who realizes we live in the 21st century'. tomato, tomahto.

i can't believe you politicized mlc.

rob said...

and by 'jusrist', i mean exactly what it looks like: i have no idea what i'm talking about.

Nick said...

My bad, Rob. My natural law - Catholic tendencies occasionally escape via my fingertips.

I realize I am probably in the minority poltically in these parts. It's OK. I am rather quite used to being a neanderthal amongst the enlightened ones. I live in Montgomery County after all!

Thank God for baseball and beer!

rob said...

hurray beer!