Thursday, July 01, 2004

Sounds Like Whitney Should Investigate CBS Sportsline
Tugging on Superman's Cape

We're testing a new theme in this space: anti-superstition. I'm following the Sox/Yanks (3-3, top of the 8th, after the Sox came roaring back from a 3-0 deficit) and I'm here to tell you that Boston will win this game. To hell with jinxes - give me a black cat, stat - screw mountains, positivity can piss right off. The Sox are going to win this game and I'm going to banish for all eternity - or at least the next several weeks - all baseball-related rabbit's feet. I'm gonna stomp on the baselines when I leave the field. I'm gonna talk to the pitcher while he's throwing a no-hitter. I'll hit the ball back up the middle in softball. Okay, maybe not on that last one - that's always a dick move.

But I'm truly going to stop looking for signs, struggling for themes, desperately searching for clever metaphors. I'm going to follow my team, dammit, because (as Bill Simmons points out today) I have no other choice.

Interlude: this is working great so far - Ortiz and Manny have been retired with nary a whimper - well, Tizzle's fly to right almost left the yard, but I've got poetic license.

And kudos to Whitney. This afternoon's effort had me laughing out loud. Of course, the second Sierra Nevada I just tossed down my throat played no small role in my easy humor.

Varitek lines to 3rd to end the inning. Starting to wonder...if it off, shake it off.

I'm vamping to kill time now, so that's why this sentence is about Steve Nash joining the Suns. I suppose it's cliche for me (suburban white guy) to say that Nash is one of my favorite NBA players ("favorite" is perhaps too strong a term, as I haven't actually watched an NBA game since the strike in the mid-90s), but guys like me are contractually obligated to root for guys like Nash. (See, Barry Bonds, there is a pact, and we do all hate you. Well, we do, except it's because you're a selfish, arrogant prick, not because you're black.) It's disappointing that he's given up a championship shot with the Mavs for the Valley of the Sun(-drenched babes), but I'll get over it, thanks to the love of a good woman and the restorative powers of good American micro-brewed beer.

Keith Foulke says, "Enjoy this changeup, A-Rod". I'm enjoying the Keith Foulke era. Too bad he can't pitch 9 innings every day.

Damn. The top of the 9th went by faster than one of Whitney's college-era lovemaking sessions.

Matsui singles to lead off the bottom of the 9th. I've long tried to maintain my belief that he's an overrated stiff with no defensive abilities whatsoever, but his 15 HR and 50 RBI before the mid-season mark argue otherwise. Still can't field though, and has weird, meaty man-haunches.

Man, do I wish I had broadband. This is a perfect argument for

And, Posada doubles to deep right, Matsui to third with one out in the bottom of the 9th. Dare I say, "neat".

Foulke gets out of a one-out, bases-loaded jam. Saves me from having to explain to my wife why we have to buy a new computer. Thank you, Keith. But if Pokey Reese actually gets to bat in the top of the 10th, Terry Francona's buying me a new microwave.

Francona owes me $450. Fucker. Pokey Reese has the same chance against Mariano Rivera that I do. Jesus, another blinding 1-2-3. Ortiz, Manny, Varitek up in the top of the 11th. You feelin' that, Superman?

Timlin hits Jeter to start the bottom of the 10th, bringing up Sheffield and then A-Rod. Awesome. Heyyyy, double play. Carry on.

A-Rod doubles to bring up Bubba Crosby with 2 out. Hear me now and believe me later: Bubba Crosby will not beat the Sox in this game. (He didn't, because Alan Embree walked his 1-for-13-against-lefties ass.)

Sportsline's about 30 seconds behind the SOSH game thread. The SOSHers are all exhaling, and I still think it's 1st and 3rd with two outs. I think maybe the Luddites were on to something.

TIZZLE! MANNY! 1st and 3rd, nobody out, top of the 11th. Beg your pardon, 2nd and 3rd, as Bubba throws one around the infield.

No. Fucking. Way. Millar hits into a 5-2 double play. Sportsline called it thusly, "Millar unknown into double play third to catcher, Kapler out at home, Ramirez out at third, Varitek to second." I wish Millar was unknown. No. Fucking. Way. And McCarty flies out. Bases loaded. Nobody out. No runs. Seriously. That's just a cockpunch.

Oh, and in case Whitney forgets to mention it - which is unlikely - Tony Clark's rotting corpse has 2 homers in this series, including 1 tonight against Pedro.

1-2-3 for Embree in the bottom of the 11th. Looks like Tanyon Sturtze for the bad guys in the top of the 12th. It must be late, because I can't think of anything funny to say about his name.

Youks! walks after going down 0-2. Well done, young man. Good think Pokey's still in the game. And now so is Cesar Crespo, pinch-running for Youkilis. I'm going to bed.

I could save the Red Sox just by ignoring them tonight. I can't find the words to make it right, make it right.

1st and 3rd, 1 out, and Bellhorn goes to 0-for-6 with a pop to 2nd. Fuck me. At least now Trot Nixon gets to do his Kirk Gibson imitation pinch-hitting for Gabe Kapler. Or pops out in foul territory, whichever. Feh. And even better, seems that it was an all-time play by Derek Jeter, adding to the Legend of the Most Overrated Player in Baseball.

Miguel Cairo triples to lead off the bottom of the 12th off of Curtis Leskanic. Looks like I'll be getting to be on time tonight.

Siddown, Giambi. 1 down, 2 to go.

Bases loaded, 1 out. And I repeat, Bubba Crosby will NOT beat the Sox tonight.

Throw fucking strikes, Leskanic.

Did I mention I had the game-winning RBI in a classic softball game last night?

Nice - fielder's choice, Cairo out at home, 2 outs.

Leskanic strikes out Bernie Williams with the bases loaded. Twice in three innings the Sox escape huge jams to stay alive. I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. If nothing else, they've proven me wrong about their heart.

MANNNNNNNYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! YARD. Of course, SOSH told me, not Sportsline. Cancel that headline, if you don't mind. Tonight's line: Ramirez LF 6 2 4 3. Sweet.

This just in: Cesar Crespo still sucks. And why the hell is Nomar still sulking on the bench? (SOSH is speculating he's been traded.) Headed to the bottom of the 13th with a lead. Deep breaths.

2 down. Turning blue from not breathing. Sierra scratches out a single. No. Fucking. Way. 2 outs, 2 strikes, Miguel Cairo doubles in the run. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

They just lost that game. They just got beat by Miguel Cairo and John Flaherty after having nobody on and 2 outs in the bottom of the 13th. I just, I mean, can you, what the,

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