The Road

Game 42 - Red Sox

Orioles 5, Red Sox 4

Record: 24-18

From the keyboard of the wise and knowing SOSHer Mystic Merlin, the following words of wisdom:

Baseball's unparalleled long season both sucks and rules. This week it
sucks. We KNOW it's only a couple of games and it's only May, but fuck.

Ayuh. Fuck, indeed.

Hell House

Games 38 through 41 - Red Sox

Twins 7, Red Sox 6
Red Sox 5, Twins 2
Twins 9, Red Sox 8
Twins 7, Red Sox 3
Record: 24-17

My inclination towards irritation and anger at losing 3 of 4 to the mediocre Twins is tempered by this: Since 2001, the Sox are 8-17 in the Metrodome, Minnesota's monstrous traveshamockery of a ballpark. Maybe it's the white on white ceiling motif. Perhaps Manny's part plant, and needs the sun's chlorophyll-stimulating rays. Or, maybe it's just dumb luck masquerading as grotesque architecture. Whatever the reason, the FIDO tag fits appropriately.

Now, should the Sox keep stumbling against a team I really dislike tonight and tomorrow in Baltimore, well, then we may have to lock up the kids before the next Sox-based MLC rant goes live.

Good on the Tampa Bay Rays, winners of 6 straight and clear titleholders to second in the AL East, a mere 1/2 game behind the Sox. They're pitching like madmen, and hitting the ball enough, as well. Don't know if they've got the horses for the full 162 furlongs, but Joe Maddon's doing a terrific job, as he has from the beginning in St. Pete.

Finally, on this exceedingly beautiful Spring day, farethewell and adieu, you fair Dominican whackjob. Julian Tavarez found the limit at which a team was no longer willing to put up with his lunacy. Seems that a 6.39 ERA and a 2.13 WHIP, even in a small sample, made the charm in rolling of balls to first and a 12 Monkeys personality wear quickly. Good luck to you, Jools, you crazy bastard.

Sense and Sensibility

Game 37 - Red Sox

Red Sox 5, Tigers 1

Record: 23-14

If Wednesday's game was Benny Hill, yesterday's was Jane Austen. Proper, perfunctory, not a hair out of place for the Sox. (Betcha didn't come here thinking we'd be dropping 19th Century Brit Lit on you. We're well-rounded like a motherfucker.)

7 innings of Beckett, 1 each of Hansen and Delcarmen (with the latter two retiring 6 of 7 in a hope-springs-eternal effort) paced the Sox, while the offense banged out 13 hits - every starter save for the increasingly-maligned Julio Lugo posted a safety. Neat and tidy, just the way we like it.

Of note, the rumors of Papi's demise appear to have been greatly exaggerated (and, probably in this case, made up for effect). On April 12, he went 0-for-4 against the Yankees to drop his AVG/OBP/OPS line to .070/.231/.140 with 1 HR and 3 RBI. Since that nadir, he's hit .318 with 6 HR and 25 RBI to raise his rates to .239/.333/.440 - still not Papi-like, but we're getting there. He leads the team in ribbies and is even with Manny and Youk atop the HR list with 7. The wringing of the hands, it seems, was for naught.

4 with the Twins over the weekend, and me winging my way to Jacksonville, so this corner of MLC will be quiet until Monday. Don't forget to send some love to the Moms in your lives, boys.

Striking Distance (or slightly beyond)

Game 35 - Phillies

Phillies 5, D-Backs 4

Record: 20 - 15

Dear Ryan-

It's brutal, ain't? Trust me, it's as painful for me to watch as I am sure it is for you when you walk away flummoxed after each at bat. I doubt you care to know that 50 K's in 35 games translates to a new MLB single season record of 231 which shatters your old record by 15%.

On top of what is a humiliating plunge into a realm inhabited only by pitchers and late season call ups, you are playing in THE WORST city in ALL of Major League Baseball for players languishing your current state. I shudder with fear at the thought of how you will be received once you fellas return to the Bank after this Left Coast swing.

I of course, am not a native of that cesspool - I mean, lovely city. That means I do not resent you. I am not angry with you. I don't want to trade you. I don't think you're a bum. Quite the opposite, I writhe uncomfortably in my otherwise comfy overstuffed club chair each time you come up. I hope against all hope that you will break free of this hellish slump. At bat after at bat, you either flail away helplessly at pitches just beyond the black, contort your massive frame against junk down and in or fecklessly stare down a pitch right on the black. When you try to lay off, they catch the black. When you try to go the other way, the ball naughtily jumps away. When you get desperate, you corkscrew yourself into the dirt.

I was going to post a picture of the strike zone. I was going to post your stats. I was going to post a link to explain the different pitches offered up my Major League pitchers. Those are the actions of a native Philadelphian. I am from a higher species. Out my way, we throw a life preserver out to folks who are drowning. I prefer to show a little charity. First and foremost, you are a likable guy. You are a lovable, modern day Sultan of Swat minus all the boorish and loutish personal behavior of your storied predecessor. By all counts, you are a dream for any front office. Right now, you need some time off. If Uncle Cholly sits you down, do yourself a favor and graciously accept it. This too shall pass and hopefully it will make you a more treacherous a hitter when you make it back.

Sincerely,

Nick

Drop City

Game 36 - Red Sox

Tigers 10, Red Sox 9

Record 22-14

Had I actually watched last night's game, I suspect I would be reporting a reaction similar to Red's today. Since I only was able to follow it on my phone, my response is a bit more muted, though the disdain for Julio Lugo probably as palpable.

The Sox twice overcame 4-run deficits against the Kitties, taking a 9-8 lead into the bottom of the 9th courtesy of Dustin Pedroia single through the infield (and if you thought Derek Jeter's range was limited, holy hell do I have an Edgar Renteria to sell you). With Jonathan Papelbon on the mound, all seemed well.

And all should have been well, even after rookie Matt Joyce led off with a meek infield single. Renteria followed Joyce with an equally limp grounder to short, and Lugo turned it into a Benny Hill routine, sans the redeeming qualities of scantily-clad nubile young things and, y'know, comedy. A sac bunt, yet another weak infield dribbler and a broken-bat gork later, and the Tigers had plated 2 to win the game. Papelbon didn't allow solid contact once in 18 pitches, and still blew his first save of the season. Gracias, Julio, a Nation turns its psychotic obsession with a team to you.

Baseball, man, it's a funny game. A funny game I'm glad I didn't watch yesterday.

You see? You see? He's not a machine, he's a man, he's a man.

Games 34 - Yankees

Indians 5, Yankees 3
Record: 17-17

Sure, it was bound to happen sometime, but I never expected David Dellucci to be the guy to shit on Joba Chamberlain's cloak of invincibility. The Yankees lost a tough one last night, 5-3 to the Indians, after Dellucci (a Yankee for all of 21 games in 2003) cranked a pinch-hit three run homer off Joba in the 8th, wasting a damn good start from Mr. Pettitte and actual offensive contributions from Giambi and Cano.

A few Joba-related notes:

• It was only the second home run allowed in 37 career innings by Chamberlain
• Dellucci's bomb were the first regular-season runs Chamberlain has allowed at Yankee Stadium
• NY is now 15-1 when leading after seven innings this season
  

The Kid Stays in the Picture

Game 35 – Red Sox

Red Sox 5, Tigers 0
Record: 22-13

Freddy Dolsi got up yesterday and called his parents back in San Pedro de Macoris to tell them that he was going to the show*. He arrived at Comerica Park, awed by the gleaming ironwork and the too-green grass. He stretched in the outfield, shagged the still-white BP balls, and took his seat in the bullpen when the game began, trying to avoid the spittle flying from Todd Jones’ mustache every time the grizzled veteran grunted.

Then, in the 7th inning, after Nate Robertson gave up a homer to David Ortiz, Jim Leyland trudged from the dugout and lifted his right arm. As he made the long jog to the mound, Dolsi hoped his parents were watching.

Then he looked in to get the sign from Ivan Rodriguez, realized that Manny Ramirez was standing in the batter’s box and silently hoped that maybe crazy Tio Pablo knocked out the satellite again, or that his parents could wait until the next batter to tune in. Mike Lowell, while formidable in his own right, isn't Manny Ramirez.

He took a deep breath, reared back and fired the fastball that got him 11 strikeouts in 7 1/3 innings in Lakeland this season. It took roughly 2 nanoseconds for him to realize with certainty that there are no Manny Ramirez’ in Lakeland, and 3 more for Dolsi’s first major league pitch to land well over the centerfield wall.

While not exactly the stuff of The Rookie, Dolsi did manage to settle down and retire 4 of the next 5 batters he faced. Happy ending for all involved, at least from this corner of the world – Tim Wakefield goes 8 innings and allows 2 hits and no walks (see, Daisuke, it’s a simple game), the kid saves a little bit of face, Tio Pablo sleeps off the hangover, the Sox extend their winning streak to 5, and baseball’s eternal cycle renews and refreshes. It’s a beautiful thing.

* - I’m aware that he was actually brought up on Saturday. It’s called poetic license.

That Was the Week That Was

Games 27 through 34 - Phillies

Consult http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/teams/schedule?team=phi

Record: 19 wins, 15 losses.

My fellow MLC denizens-

I am quite proud to announce that the reason for my week long sabbatical from this cozy nook of Baseballville is that my dear wife heroically and flawlessly delivered our 4th child/3rd son. Our family is basking in the glow of a newborn not yet fatigued enough to gripe and moan about 3AM feedings and a house that resembles a shanty in Myanmar right about now. (Is that grossly insensitive or effectively descriptive?) We are of course, quite thankful and realize our fortune. That is quite enough detail of domestic life encroaching upon this sacred space of the Pastime. It's time to talk about the first month's grades.

The Phils are in first. Holy crap! First place? In May? That can't be.

Oh, it be.

Despite starting slowly (4-6), the Phils have played very well. Mind you 4-6 isn't quite so bad as 3-7. When you start falling back 4 or 5 games below .500 as this team has done repeatedly this decade, it becomes quite laborious trying to claw your way back to respectability. That they have accomplished this with 2008 MVP Jimmy Rollins and without the services of Shane Victorino for 15 games is quite encouraging. Oh, and did anyone notice Ryan Howard is absolutely befuddled this season? Poor guy is in the mother of all funks right now. I think he is on pace to strike out 250 times this season. I know I am showing my age but doesn't anyone bother to try to just make contact when they are behind in the count? Regardless of the injuries to Rollins and Victorino and the slumping of Howard combined with the zero lineup presence of Pedro Feliz, the boys are floating atop the division tide. That is because our brethren in Gotham and Hotlanta have injury and slump issues all their own.

Now to the report card for the first term.

Starters - C+

No one is dominant. Hamels has been very good in about 5 of 7 starts and solid in the others. Myers has been solid at best in at least 4 starts and below average in the other 3. Hamels and Myers however, have given the team much needed innings (more on that later.) Moyer started roughly but has returned to his steady self. He usually surrenders 4 runs but keeps the team in the game. If Jamie goes six, you hand him an ice pack and some Geritol, put the TV on the History Channel and make him some tea. Kyle Kendrick has been slightly less than mediocre but certainly worth the patience he'll continue to be shown. He can easily return to being a very reliable and effective starter. Poor Adam Eaton is lost. He started out fairly well but his last 3 starts resemble the 2007 campaign where he dubiously posted the worst ERA of any starter in the NL.

Pen - A-

The starters have averaged nearly 6 IP per start. That has been a boon for the pen. Besides the opening day meltdown against the Nats, Flash Gordon has been astoundingly stingy as my four year old is when licking the cream from his Double Stuffs. The old man has been a stalwart and a joy to watch. Brad Lidge was brought in gently like a child whose training wheels were just removed and he has responding well. He has yet to surrender a run while posting 7 saves in 7 opportunities. JC Romero has picked up where he left off last season. Did I remember to thank you Rob? Rudy Seanez, Chad Durbin and the rest have all done pretty well bridging the gap between the starters and the late innings.

Lineup - B

Jeff Bruntlett has started to look like a suitable major league replacement for Jimmy Rollins. Pedro Feliz is starting to reward Pat Gilllick by finally returning to form as a good bottom half of the order power hitter. Carlos Ruiz and Chris Coste have been solid backstops who occasionally deliver at the plate. The story here however is the troika of Pat Burrell, Jayson Werth and arguably the best player in the National League, Chase Utley. These 3 are having tremendous years. For Pat the Bat, you have to feel good. He seems to finally be the guy the Phils drafted #1 10 years ago when he won the Golden Spikes Award at the U. Bully for you Pat!

Bench - A

As of last week, they had the best pinch hit average in the league. Jeff Jenkins is a comfortable shoe. The aforementioned Coste/Ruiz combo is suitable. The fact that Werth and Bruntlett filled in so admirably for Rollins and Victorino bodes well for when they return to role players though I suspect Werth may have won himself an everyday spot.

Manager - A

Right man for the job. In a town where cynicism, sarcasm and narcissism are desirable personality traits, this guy is the perfect buffer for a generation of kids who probably don't recognize why fans expect to win every game.

Where the Wild Things Are

Game 34 – Red Sox

Red Sox 6, Tigers 3
Record: 21-13

Things I Do When I Feel An Abiding Need to Be Annoyed:

1. Read the collected works of Ann Coulter
2. Squeeze lemon juice into small cuts in my cuticles
3. Listen to Michael Kay on any topic
4. Watch Daisuke Matsuzaka pitch

I call to your attention last night’s objet d’argh from the newly coined Nippon Nibbler (royalty payment to my colleague on the pinstriped side of the aisle for that): 5 IP, 1H, 1R, 8BB, 1K, 110 pitches, 1100 calories of nervous energy expended by me via uncontrollable leg bounce, spasmodic fingernail drumming, and ceaseless pacing.

On the plus side, Mike Lowell hit his first homer and drove in his first runs of the year, and the Sox did, in fact, win a game they probably should have lost. Craig Hansen pitched a lights out inning of relief (on the minus side, he was asked to pitch 2, but we’ll take small victories when it comes to the middle of the Sox’ bullpen). Papi continues to work his way back to normal, hitting the ball hard several times, with a 9th inning homer and a rocket single against a lefty to show for it – the big fella’s now hit safely in 15 of 18 games to raise his average to .225.

But Matsuzaka. Dear Lord of all that’s straight and controlled. The quality of his stuff is undeniable – witness his .158 opponent’s batting average and the fact that the Tigers put 10 runners on against him in 5 innings with only a single scratch – it’s his ability to consistently hit his spots that’s exasperating everyone from Terry Francona to my 87 year-old grandmother. He’s allowed more walks than hits, 27 to 22, over 40+ innings. It got so bad last night that Matsuzaka’s wildness frustrated Steve Phillips into saying something cogent, insightful, and relevant. It took Orel Hershiser 2 ½ innings to recover enough from the shock to be able to speak again.

Speaking of the pinstripes (as I was way above), can we just agree that this Red Sox/Yankees bullshit has gone too far. Witness:

NASHUA, N.H. (AP) -- A woman accused of running down a man in her car after a Red Sox-Yankees argument in a bar never hit her brakes as she accelerated toward the small group he was in, a prosecutor said Monday.

"She never braked, and she accelerated at a high speed for about 200 feet. She went directly at this group of people," prosecutor Susan Morrell said of Ivonne Hernandez, who is charged with reckless second-degree murder in the death early Friday of Matthew Beaudoin, 29.

It’s a game, people. While I quite understand that Yankee fans are mouthbreathing degenerates (my blog colleague, brother-in-law, and nephew notwithstanding), they are objects of pity, not mortal blood enemies. We kid, we kid. Lighten up, folks. And you guys with the 4 letters, how ‘bout we ratchet back the apocalyptic rhetoric, mmmkay? The relative merits of 2 professional sports teams aren’t worth dying for. Only oil and executive hubris meet that test.

Never Sharpen a Boomerang

Games 31 through 33 - Red Sox

Red Sox 7, Rays 3

Red Sox 12, Rays 4

Red Sox 7, Rays 3

Record: 20-13

We talk a lot about karma 'round these parts, and have a healthy respect for the destructive power of that particular force of nature. As if to reinforce our painfully disciplined adherence to her strict mandates, the lady delivered yet another object lesson in Boston this weekend, as the Sox broke convincingly out of their offensive doldrums against the Rays.

Tampa swept the Sox in St. Petersburg just a short week ago, gaining a share of first place in the AL East for the first time ever this "late" in the season. In the excitement of the moment, Rays fans danced in the aisles with brooms as the Trop's P.A. system blared Neil Diamond's Sweet Caroline, a song generally reserved for happy times in Fenway Park (and brandy-fueled latenight singalongs on Fire Island - so I've heard). I get it. It's a big deal for Tampa to best the Sox, for the little guy to stick one in the bully's ribs, but there some things that just aren't done.

You don't tug on Superman's cape. You never get in a land war in Asia. You don't talk about a no-hitter while it's in progress, and you never, ever taunt an opponent you'll be playing a week later.

Under normal circumstances, an early-May set against the Rays wouldn't mean much to the Sox, but I have to believe the team and the front office took more than a little satisfaction from this weekend's payback bitch-slapping. And I took more than a little solace from the 26 runs the offense posted as the starting pitching continued to do its part. If Manny Delcarmen can shake his nearly season-long funk, we'll be in long clover - provided nobody jumps ugly on that karma woman.

You using the whole fist, Doc?

Games 23-33: Yankees

White Sox 7, Yankees 6
Indians 6, Yankees 4
Indians 4, Yankees 3
Yankees 1, Indians 0
Yankees 5, Indians 2
Tigers 6, Yankees 4
Tigers 6, Yankees 2
Tigers 8, Yankees 4
Yankees 5, Mariners 1
Yankees 6, Mariners 1
Yankees 8, Mariners 2 (in progress)

Record: 16-16 (17-16?)

Having been away so long already, I decided I would wait until the Yankees actually won a game before I returned. That happened Friday night, with the Yankees besting the Mariners 5-1. But, as it turned out, I had a pretty nice little Saturday planned, you know, going to Home Depot, buying some wallpaper, some flooring, stuff like that. I wanted to get to Bed, Bath, & Beyond, but alas, didn't have enough time. The Yankees actually won again Saturday, 6-1, so maybe I should just stay away all together...

Nah...the MLC Brain Trust would never accept that, so I'm back, with a 33 Game Wrap-Up I'm calling The Good, the Bad and the Uggla (yep, I've resorted to stealing from myself). Enjoy...and see you in June (I kid, I kid).

The Good
Chien-Ming Wang is 6-0. He has a 3.00 ERA, 1.13 WHIP and .225 BAA. He's the Sgt. Hulka of this rotation, hell, of this whole team. Wang's win on Friday night was the 11th time in a row that the Yankees had won with C.M. pitching after a loss. Shit, he's the Jeff Speakman of this club...he's even striking guys out this year (32K in 45IP). It sucks for him that he basically needs to go 20-3 for this team (as currently constituted) to have any chance. Good luck my friend, and remember, enough with the pictures already, it's just a parking lot.

Hideki Matsui (.317/.408./.481) and Johnny Damon (.290/.394./.533) have been the leaders of a sluggish offense beset by injuries all over the diamond. It also appears someone reminded Bobby Abreu it's a contract year...he has responded accordingly (.303/.356./.451). And once again Derek Jeter is as dreamy on the field as off...

Joba Chamberlain and Mariano Rivera have been lights out - unfortunately, I'm not sure how long Rivera will have Joba as a running mate back there. Rivera's pitched 12 innings so far this year. He's struck out 12, is 8 for 8 in save opps, and hasn't allowed an ER yet. Not too shabby. Not to be outdone, Joba has struck out 14 in 12 IP and only given up 2 ER. His K/9 is 10.22. And it's rumored the simple sight of him warming up in the bullpen gives Hank Steinbrenner seizures.

I mentioned this to Rob the other night, but as a Yankees fan one major positive is that they are always on the boob tube (Yes, it's a positive for me, and yet another reason for most of America to hate them. Get over it). Be it ESPN, Fox, WGN, Comcast or UHF Channel 62, I have been able to see over half their games without the Extra Innings package the rest of the MLC contributors have.

The return of former Yankee OF Bobby Murcer to the booth after having a brain biopsy a month ago (in December 2006 he had surgery to remove a brain tumor). Thankfully, the biopsy came back cancer free. He called the game Friday night. Sadly, I am not sure many people realize what a good player Murcer was in his 17 year career. Me, I love him because of his career-long feud with that cheater Gaylord Perry - I found this on Wikipedia and it made me laugh quite a bit:
"Murcer had some fun with Gaylord; he once caught a fly for the last out of an inning and spit on the ball before tossing it to Perry. Another time he sent Perry a gallon of lard."

As this guy once said, this is like deja vu all over again. I know better than to bitch and moan this early in the year as the Yankees struggle. Why, you ask? Just check out the numbers below:
2007: Started 21-29, Ended at 94-68 and in the playoffs
2006: Started 11-10, Ended at 97-65 and in the playoffs
2005: Started 11-19, Ended at 95-67 and in the playoffs
2004: Started 11-11, Ended at 101-61 and in the playoffs
Soooo, you won't find me on the ledge, ready to throw in the towel...we all know it's a marathon, not a sprint. Despite the .500 record and lackluster play thus far, NY is just three back of Robert's Red Sox with roughly 130 games to go. Things could be much, much worse...which gets us to...

The Bad
Robinson Cano is at .157/.218./.261. He has only 15 hits the entire year (and only 8 XBH). It sure would be nice if someone could figure out what the fuck is wrong with him.
[Editor's Note: Cano just hit a home run. I take full credit]

Morgan Ensberg is simply stealing money at this point ($1.75 million to be exact). I long for the days of Luis Sojo and Miguel Cairo filling in at third. Ensberg's licorice bat has just 1 XBH in 55 ABs. I don't care if Wilson Betemit comes off the DL wearing an eye patch (Saaarsgaaaard), please bench Ensberg and play Betemit. I'm begging you.

Consistently inconsistent and mediocre (seems to be a theme around these parts):
Most Games over .500 (2) AND Most Games under .500 (2)
Longest Winning Streak (3) AND Longest Losing Streak (3)

Hank Steinbrenner - It's a shame I didn't get this post up Friday as planned, because Hank managed to open his mouth once again before I completed the post. This time, he actually sounded rational, and disappointed. Hank, we're all disappointed in what has transpired so far, but I do hope you believe your own statement that the team will not panic and rush Joba into the rotation. Now, give it two more weeks of .500 play, and Bad Hank is bound to appear - I can only assume it will be to tell Cashman to start Chamberlain immediately or else he's canned.

The Uggla
It's real simple, and falls into two categories: pitching and injuries. How much time do we have?

Pitching: Other than the aforementioned Wang, the Yankees pitching has been adequate at best (Hi Andy and Moose!) and downright atrocious at worst (Oh, Kyle/LaTroy, got a call for you...and tell the kids we want to talk to them after they finish their homework). The two pups inserted into the rotation have had a rough 2008, to say the least. Phil Hughes is lucky enough to fall into both "Uggla" categories, pitching like a total donkey (0-4 with a 9.00 ERA) and then landing on the the DL the other day with a cracked rib. As I typed this post today, Ian Kennedy (0-2, 8.53 ERA) was demoted to the minors, with Darrel Rasner (4-0 with a 0.87 ERA in five outings at Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre) being called up to start the finale against the Mariners. And, AND, the Yankees are apparently going with a four-man rotation the next 10 days or so. Anyone seen my rosary?
[Editor's Note: Rasner just threw 6 innings, giving up only 2 runs. Let's hope he's Aaron Small Redux (wow, is that what it's come to?)]

Injuries: Now, I am smart enough to not belabor this point too much, as every team every year gets hits by the injury bug - hell, just around these parts Rob's club started the year without Beckett and that asshat Schilling, Nick's Phils are hanging in without Rollins and Whit's Metropolitans once again lost Papier Mache Martinez to the DL. But I've got to say, losing Jorge Posada and Alex Rodriguez within days of each other to the DL is a big blow, especially the Posada injury. Zeppo Molina behind the plate for six weeks I might be able to handle defensively, but his every at-bat is cringe-worthy. At least Rodriguez should be back after the requisite 15 days. The other crushing DL loss might shock some, but Brian Bruney looked like he could be the perfect 7th inning guy for this club, meaning Joba and/or Rivera would not need to be overextended in mid-summer games because Girardi doesn't trust the gristle in the pen. Basically, the Yankees need to tread water until they have their full complement of players ready to contribute, and hope that they can piece together yet another hot second half and carry themselves into the playoffs. But man is that a long way off.

******
Well lookee here, 8-2 Yanks right now...OK boys, carry on...

B.J. and the Bear

Games 27 & 28 - Mets

Mets 7, Diamondbacks 2
Diamondbacks 10, Mets 4
Record: 15-13

Up until yesterday, you had to wonder, didn't you? You'd long ago stopped doubting the Mets' desert dominance as something other than a true phenomenon, and you were fairly sure it would just continue forever. The way the Metmen zipped out of the gate Friday night like Big Brown (seriously, whose toddler named that horse?) at yesterday's Run for the Roses, it looked like more of the same.

And then yesterday's pitching equivalent of "Archie Bunker's Place" happened. It's like waking up from a good dream and realizing, "Oh . . . yeah . . . so I don't actually live in a Marseilles chateau with my eight morally casual swimsuit model roommates and respective lifetime supplies of Dale's Pale Ale and porterhouses. Alrighty."

And there it went. Pelf was superbly mediocre, as if that means anything, and Duaner Sanchez sported the worst line I've witnessed since Rob was wooing the ladies at The Third Edition in Georgetown way back when. The chances of Carlos Delgado turning on a Brandon Webb offering for a three-run job were slim. That it happened and made little difference makes it a pleasantry turned annoying in an overall wince-worthy outing.

Oh, and giving up 6 RBI to a guy named Augie? Come on. It hasn't happened in major league baseball since '45 or so, back when Augie Galan donned the woolens for the Brooklyn Trolley Dodgers. Of course, that Augie didn't take much heat for his name -- not from a roster featuring guys (yes, actually) named Frenchy, Goody, Dixie, Fats, Otho, Babe, Red, Claude, Barney, and Morrie. Plus Eddie Stanky and Johnny Peacock. Wow . . . parents sure are boring these days.

And if the name Augie doesn't remind you of Augie Ben Doggie in Hardware Wars, you need to visit YouTube very soon.

So Johan Santana takes the hill with a chance to help the Mets at least continue a stretch of winning series in Arizona, if not doing so in otherworldly fashion. Let's see that happen. What do you say, boys?

* * *

Oh, and in keeping with my pattern of using this space for my own diary of personal shame rather than any Mets analysis whatsoever, I should mention that I attended a good friend's 40th birthday party in a local bar last night. A really nice affair with food, drink, and a band -- and she had me contribute the music when the band wasn't playing. And then I got cut off by the waitress at 9:30 pm. Cut off. At a birthday party for "grown-ups." Two hours in. Class-y. Dear Diary, What's wrong with me? Sincerely, Whitney

Cliff's Notes

Game 30 - Red Sox

Blue Jays 3, Red Sox 0

Record: 17-13

I(t)'ll be short today, as the workaday world encroaches mightily.

Courtesy of the far more diligent Joy of Sox, behold the Sox' scoring output over the past 50 innings:

0100000000010000000000000000000001000000101000000000

That they actually won 2 games in that span borders on Lourdesian.

Baseball's a simple game, really. As a wise man once said, you throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball. The Sox are excelling beyond expectation in 2 of the 3 categories, and smelling like rotting skunk rectum in the other. You hear that, you lollygaggers? Rotting skunk rectum.

Deadwood

Game 26 - Mets

Pirates 13, Mets 1
Record: 14-12

I'd say this is a level of effort commensurate with the Mets' yesterday.

Don Quixote

Game 29 - Red Sox

Red Sox 2, Blue Jays 1

Record: 17-12

Updating the Red Sox starting pitching situation, we find that Messrs. Buchholz, Beckett, Lester, and Matsuzaka have combined over the past 4 games to throw 30 innings with a 0.90 ERA and a 0.63 WHIP. Over that span, they allowed 10 hits and 9 walks while striking out 32. These 4 games will quite likely represent the most dominant such streak by any rotation in the game this season (though I will not be doing the research necessary to back that claim). We're talking about some serious dealing here, boys and girls, Buzz Bissinger-level crazy performances.

Those 4 guys are 0-2 over the span in question.

Over in the corner of the locker room, Jonathan Papelbon - owner of consecutive wins - is cackling, holding his index and middle fingers up and saying, "V is for Vulture, motherfuckers!". While Dustin Pedroia, Julio Lugo, Manny Ramirez and a handful of other regulars skulk to the showers muttering apologies to the aforementioned starters. Julian Tavarez is licking the team's flat-screen television, just because he likes the feel of the static electricity against his tongue.

So, um, batsmen. A bit of alacrity in your step this evening might be nice. Those guys on the mound, they can't keep this up forever.