Thursday, June 09, 2005


Games 49 through 59 - Red Sox
Um, 59-game Checkup

Red Sox 7, Yankees 2
Orioles 8, Red Sox 1
Red Sox 5, Orioles 1
Orioles 9, Red Sox 3
Red Sox 6, Orioles 4
Red Sox 7, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (!) 4
Just Plain Angels 13, Red Sox 6
Red Sox 6, Angels 3
St. Louis Cardinals 7, Red Sox 1
Cardinals 9, Red Sox 2
Red Sox 4, Cardinals 0
Record: 32-27

Possible excuses for my performance over the past 2 weeks (part of each of these statements is true - see if you can guess):

  • I turned 35 and have been in a peyote-induced waking dream trying to find my inner spiritual core, accompanied by a pudgy little Hispanic gentleman who looks unnervingly like a miniature Rich Garces.
  • I broke my thumb playing softball a few weeks ago, and it's hurt so bad to type that I've been podcasting all my Sox-related thoughts.
  • I got an "enhanced" iPod for my birthday and have spent every moment since trying to figure out how Whitney had the time and money to amass 6,254 songs, let alone download them to my new toy. Thanks, bro.
  • I knew that the Sox would be featured on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy this week, so I spent the last 10 days scouring haberdasherys (ies?) along the East Coast for a (much) smaller version of Doug Mirabelli's striped ensemble so I could play the home version. Backwaxing really is more pleasure than pain. [Shit, was that typed out loud?]
  • I've been compiling 80s hits in a very special playlist to send to ECA Mike so he sees the error of his young ways. Limahl says hi.
  • I'm a very important man at the office, and I simply have not had time to focus on trivia like this. (Okay, so no part of that one is true - I just like seeing it in print.)
  • I've run out of ways to describe my complete and utter lack of insight into this team's performance.

The last of those bullets hits pretty close to home, mostly because I've not been able to follow the Sox over the last 2 weeks in any meaningful way. I've watched several games over the span, but haven't been online, haven't read anything in depth, haven't looked closely at box scores, or read SOSH and The Globe, or watched Tom Caron on NESN. Not much effort, frankly. Even watching the games has been a vacation of the mind, tuning in as I have to escape from newfound real-world pressures.

No excuses, though, gentle readers. You won't be getting a lot of baseball analysis today, but you will get the first ever haiku-style 59-game checkup (I say haiku-style, because I'm not really counting the syllables. Sue me). If I can't give you insight, never let it be said that I can't give you crappy Japanese poetry. Forthwith:

  • Wake's fluttering ball/sometimes makes bats wave limply/mostly makes me yell
  • Matt Clement's chin tuft/looks a lot better on him/than Fat David Wells'
  • Bellhorn is Eeyore/shuffling back to the dugout/after one more K
  • Embree and Foulke/keeping Fenway scoreboard ops/alert and active
  • Question for Manny:/is it possible to be/here and yet not here?
  • Tizzle swings bat/baseball explodes again/I love Big Papi!
  • Whither Curt?/mediocre Red Sox/crying out for ace
  • Apologies to/torrid-swinger E-Rent/catch a popup
  • Advice to Millar/you talk better than hit/reverse is better
  • Olerud's helmet/funky accoutrement/Ricky still forgot
  • Youkilis' jawbone/hewn from Greek marble/wish he had more power
  • Trot just shows up/every day rain or shine/AL's most underrated
  • Billy Mueller's feet/sure can't get out of the way/think about moving them
  • Forty million/is seriously long green/Tek deserves it

A twofer in honor my favorite unsung hero:

  • Badass namesake/nancy-boy guitar hero/study in contrast
  • Skinny leg-kicker/buzzes hitters up and in/Bronson no deathwish

  • Johnny D. Rockstar/runs through, hits balls off walls/gas that fuels the engine

And finally - pay attention, as this captures the season in a nutshell:

  • Hangover's a bitch/but you gotta remember/what happened last night

Insert 'year' for night, and ladies and gentlemen, your 2005 Boston Red Sox.

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