I hear prison isn't so bad if you like it up the butt

Game 4 - Yankees

Rays 13, Yanks 4
Record: 2-2

Don't hand Mike Mussina that 2008 Whipping Boy trophy just yet...I forgot the ebony and ivory of abortive relief work, LaTroy Hawkins and Kyle Farnsworth. Can you have co-winners of a completely made up award? You bet your ass you can.

I would really like to know how the conversation went between Joe Girardi and Yankee pitching coach Dave Eiland when it came time to send out Hawkins for the eight, down only 6-4 to the Rays:

Girardi: We haven't seen LaTroy yet this year. Let's get him out there and see if that fastball he throws hard but right down the middle can work tonight.
Eiland: Joe, did you know I'm the only player in baseball history to give up a home run to the first batter I ever faced and hit a home run in my very first AB?
Girardi: Why did Guidry leave again?
Eiland: Joe, I'm pretty sure this Hawkins guy blows...in the time it took me to think up this horrible faux conversation, he's given up six runs...but he did get two outs. You know who is a lock to get that third out...
Girardi: ...you bet I do. Get me Farnsworth stat.
Eiland: Watch this...shhh, don't tell anyone, watch...I told him to just relax, forget there were any guys on base-
Girardi: -You told him there were guys on base? Dave you are a moron-
Eiland: -and throw strikes.
Girardi: Carlos Pena just hit a ball 500 feet off him.
Eiland: I can use Joba again tomorrow?

I'm pretty sure that's the Allman Brothers I hear coming from the bullpen sound system.

You talkin' to me?

Games 1 and 2 - Yankees

Yankees 3, Blue Jays 2
Blue Jays 5, Yankees 2
Record: 1-1

So, obviously, I'm the last to the party, and I'll spare you the excuses, except to say the bigwigs down here at Kramerica are gonna need to cut me some slack so I can get these MLC posts up in some sort of timely fashion. Between doing actual work (god forbid) and the time I'm wasting over here daily, the baseball season is almost a week old and I feel like I'm just getting adjusted. Luckily, Game 2 starter "Don't Cry For Me" Mike Mussina's middling but expected appearance last night shook me out of my doldrums. But we'll hold off on old smarty pants for a sec...

As you might have heard on that newish all sports cable network ESPN, Game 1 (delayed a day) for the Yankees was the last opening day at Yankee Stadium, or as I like to call it, the House That John Lindsay Built. Let's put it this way - if the Yankees can get those kind of pitching performances all year I like my chances of winning even more beer from my dimunitive MLC nemesis. In fact, have we officially made that bet yet Robert?

Seven strong from Chien-Ming Wang (not Jewish), a dominant inning from Joba Chamberlain and then Mariano Rivera shutting the door in the ninth (all white meat nugget: Rivera didn't get his first save last season until April 28)...I can certainly handle that. Of course, if Aaron Hill doesn't boot a gimme double play ball, the Yanks probably lose and I start the year like a whiny douche asking what the hell is wrong with this supposed uber offense (speaking of that, you see the "1,000 Run Tigers" get shut out by the Royals yesterday?) Oh yeah, as you'll learn throughout the year, I'm a horrible person, so this quote from the AP game recap made me chuckle:
"Joba Chamberlain struck out two in a hitless eighth to the delight of his polio-stricken father, Harlan, who attended the game and cheered from his motorized scooter."

All right, shifting from the bliss of an Opening Day victory, it's time to ignore the old "It's only April" talk and cue up the Allman Brothers - Game 2 was all about 2008 Whipping Boy Nominee (and surefire winner...shhh...it's rigged) Mike Mussina. It's no secret Mussina has been in serious decline in recent years, but I don't know if I can take a full year of 5IP, 8H, 3ER performances (on a "good" night). As Moral Orel Hershiser pointed out last night, Mussina rarely ever gets swings and misses, thus throwing way too many of his now below average fastballs and breaking pitches. I mean, Jesus Christ, I could've thrown a better pitch to Vernon Wells than the one Moose delivered on a platter...a platter that was deposited in roughly 0.8 seconds in left. Hey, Joe Girardi, I strenuously object (that's how it works right...I object, and then I strenuously object?)...
"Mike made some quality pitches. I was happy with what I saw," manager Joe Girardi said. "I'll take that outing from him anytime."

It was bad enough having to endure the Mussina outing last night, but on top of that, you lose to A.J. Burnett, a guy who has missed more games in the last three years than a blind usher? Come on. At least Aaron Hill once again tried to make it interesting, but to no avail.

Well, we're only two games in...so maybe I should just stop now. Lord knows I'm going to run out of nonsensical shit to say in a few weeks. Plus, I am dying to see what Nick has to say about his Phils less than stellar start.